Blueprint for a better world

1) Maim (amongst others) the following people:

Robbie Williams
Jeremy Clarkson
Sharon Osborne
Guy Ritchie
U2
Zak Effron
Jeremy Kyle
Russell Brand
Take That
Paul McCartney
Amy Winehouse

I'm not going to advocate murdering them, because that would be silly. If you kill someone, how will they learn anything?
Also, I'd be demonised by the tabloid press. Unless I was a thick, loudmouth, racist bint who was the only person in the world ever to have cancer, in which case, I'd be the new Princess Di.
Want to know why Jade Goody died? It's just the Universe sorting its shit out.

2) Make motorbikes quiet. Reduce that fucking disgusting noise they make, There's just no need for it.
Or if you feel the need to ride one to show off or whatever, just do us all a favour and walk around with a T-shirt that reads 'I am a cunt' or 'I have a small penis'.

3)Introduce sound-proof baby bubbles, so that infants can safely scream their stupid little hearts out, making that awful Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers shriek, until they forget why they were upset in the first place. And give the rest of us a break.

4) You know those people who don't wash their hands after going to the loo? The ones who are in the public toilet, see someone using the sink or hand-drier, and think 'nah, that's not for me'?
Chop off their hands. Problem solved.

5) Ban cigars. Not only do they stink, but what is the point of them? Are you actually smoking this, and inhaling? No, you're "rolling it around in your mouth".
Fuck off.